I hate shopping. It irritates me no end, mostly because I have zero patience. Shopping for Christmas presents is basically my worst nightmare. Every year I swear I’ll be more organised and yet every year it’s the same last minute panic buys, as I try not to strangle any of my fellow shoppers with tinsel.
In that spirit, please enjoy my take on the hell that is Christmas shopping.
O Holy Shite (sung to the tune of ‘O Holy Night’)
P.S: don’t worry those of you who think I’m going to hell for this, I’ve already pre-booked my ticket
O Holy shite, it’s Christmas time already
It is the time when your cash goes to hell.
Long is the queue, for this year’s ‘must-have’ teddy
I need a gin in my tea can you tell?
Bridge & Chorus:
A thrill of hope, a second till has opened
For lucky folk that saw and got there first.
Feeeeck, it’s your one!
Whose naaaame I can’t remember…
O shiiiiiiite, divine.
Mortified, avoid her eyes.
O balls, where’s my purse?
O shite, O shite, divine.
I had it out when I bought my last present,
I’ll have to traipse the whole way back to there.
I’ll lose my place and then I’ll lose my marbles
Why don’t I shop online, this isn’t fair.
Bridge & Chorus:
I’m next in line, the cashier’s looks would kill me.
I smile weakly, he really doesn’t care.
Faaaall on my knees
O rip apart my handbag
O shiiiite, divine!
There’s my keys and 12 receipts.
O shite, diviiiiiiiine!
O shite, I’ll lose my mind.
Truly now, I’m on the verge of screaming
When I find my bastarding purse.
I throw the card and my face is beaming
I vow that Christmas is just a curse.
Big finale (throw in a key change for good measure)
A ray of hope, the payment is accepted
I grab my things and run out of the store.
Feeeeck! Where’s the car?
It’s ooon the highest level.
O shiiiiite, divine!
Next year I will shop online.
O IIIII’ll be organiiiiised!
I know, I know that’s lies.