food

Scrolling through the tinternet, yesterday, I came across a discussion about period cramps and how the pain associated with them has been compared to that of a heart attack – no shit, Sherlock.

When I finished reading I realised that because I am truly outnumbered by males in this house – and the fact that two of those are children and one is a dog, who therefore couldn’t care less that I feel like I’m dying a slow and excruciating death – I decided it was about time that I put together a handy guide for those of you who are living with women and need help during this precarious time.

Why, yes! I am referring to my husband in this bracket, because apparently being together for 12 years isn’t long enough for him to pick up on my subtle clues that during this ‘special’ time I morph into an unpredictable bitch and he should probably back off for a few hours, or I may stab him repeatedly with a very blunt butter knife.

I make no apology for this completely natural event or what my overdramatic uterus may ‘make’ me do, I just want to be able to hand him this post when he seriously thinks it’s ‘hilarious’ to make jokes about anything PMS related.

How to calm down a completely fictitious woman who in no way resembles me during her period:

Step 1: Always have a hot water bottle to hand; you know like the one she asked for YESTERDAY and you didn’t bring when she was doubled over in heart-attack-level pain? Just a thought, this isn’t a direct example of what happened in my house yesterday. This is all based on a fictitious woman – let’s call her: Splizabeth.

Step 2: It may be safer for you to wear a few extra layers over the next couple of days in case she accidentally throws objects – like a child or a laptop – in frustration in your general direction at the lack of hot water bottle.

Step 3: Make sure there’s chocolate to hand. Unless your wife has recently gone vegan and the only alternative is (frankly disgusting) dark chocolate. By all means hand her the dark chocolate if you want, but be prepared for her rant back at you about how it tastes like the devil’s ass and how you’re a disgusting human being for even thinking she’d want to eat it.

Step 4: Leave the chocolate, I – sorry, I mean Splizabeth– will eventually eat it in desperation.

Step 5: Try not to breathe in her general direction because even knowing you’re alive and not in pain is a bit of an annoyance.

Step 6: Don’t let her watch horror movies, it genuinely may give her ideas. It might be safer just to take the remote off her when she starts sentences like: ‘Now, if I were to murder you I wouldn’t do it like that. Firstly I would…’

Step 7: Just take the kids and the dog and leave her alone for a few hours / days and let her get on with things. Be warned: at any given moment her unpredictable mood may mean she wants to be around her family because she loves you all. Don’t worry, it won’t last long. Probably only until someone breathes on her, so don’t fall for it. Just send a picture and look miserable. That will keep Splizabeth happy.

Now, you’re all set for next month and the month after that and so on because unfortunately my her uterus plans on being dramatic for a few more years before she meets the whole new hormonal shit-storm that is menopause.

Good luck!

Before you start juicing that fruit and boiling up cabbage for soup I want to introduce you to a revolutionary new diet regime: The Toddler Diet.

It’s a simple, life changing diet that will leave you hungry, irritable, unsatisfied but thinner!

All you need is a toddler to sit with you for every meal you attempt to eat – it’s that easy!

Since Oliver started eating solids properly, he hasn’t been satisfied with what is on his plate. It has to be whatever is on his, mine, his Dad’s, the stranger’s sitting at the table next to us and so on.

It’s because of this (coupled with the perpetual guilt I feel if I don’t give him what’s on my plate in case he starves) that I now have an enviable figure*

*Enviable in this instance means I look like a Weeble and shuffle around like one too.

So if you want to lose weight fast and be just like me, all you just have to follow these three easy steps.

1. Get a toddler (mine is available for hire).

Make sure it’s not one of those fussy eating types or you will end up putting on weight by mindlessly eating their leftovers when clearing the table after meals – just me? Ok, never mind.Another important trait needed in your toddler is complete clinginess; that way you can’t secretly snack while they are independently playing.

This kid also needs to be able to hear the rustle of a chocolate wrapper or the opening of a biscuit tin from 20 feet.

This is a skill Oliver has down to a fine art.

Even when I check I have the all-clear and he’s playing with his trains, all I need to do is think about a biscuit and he’s standing beside me with that look,

It’s a look that says: “You should eat fruit, we both should; but we both know you’re going for that biscuit tin and you’re sadly mistaken if you think I’m going to let you eat one and not give at least half to me. I’m not afraid to scream.”

2.Eat at the table.

Never mind the social aspect of doing this, this is really so everything on your plate is within reach of their chubby little hands.

Remember to give them a fork so if you’re tempted to move your plate out of reach they can use this tool to drag things off your plate.

If they can’t reach it they will have a handy contingency plan of screaming blue bloody murder until you relent.

3.Leave all will power at the door.

Don’t bother starting each meal with renewed resolve to eat a complete meal on your own, it won’t last (see perpetual guilt above).

And that’s that.

After a few months of this the pounds will drop off and with only a few real side effects (loss of sanity, inability to eat a complete meal without looking over your shoulder and eating ridiculously hot food resulting in the burning of your tongue before the toddler can reach the table).

This convenient new lifestyle change is available today, so what are you waiting for?

How to Survive PMS: A Guide for Men

The Toddler Diet

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