Before you start juicing that fruit and boiling up cabbage for soup I want to introduce you to a revolutionary new diet regime: The Toddler Diet.
It’s a simple, life changing diet that will leave you hungry, irritable, unsatisfied but thinner!
All you need is a toddler to sit with you for every meal you attempt to eat – it’s that easy!
Since Oliver started eating solids properly, he hasn’t been satisfied with what is on his plate. It has to be whatever is on his, mine, his Dad’s, the stranger’s sitting at the table next to us and so on.
It’s because of this (coupled with the perpetual guilt I feel if I don’t give him what’s on my plate in case he starves) that I now have an enviable figure*
*Enviable in this instance means I look like a Weeble and shuffle around like one too.
So if you want to lose weight fast and be just like me, all you just have to follow these three easy steps.
1. Get a toddler (mine is available for hire).
Make sure it’s not one of those fussy eating types or you will end up putting on weight by mindlessly eating their leftovers when clearing the table after meals – just me? Ok, never mind.Another important trait needed in your toddler is complete clinginess; that way you can’t secretly snack while they are independently playing.
This kid also needs to be able to hear the rustle of a chocolate wrapper or the opening of a biscuit tin from 20 feet.
This is a skill Oliver has down to a fine art.
Even when I check I have the all-clear and he’s playing with his trains, all I need to do is think about a biscuit and he’s standing beside me with that look.
It’s a look that says: “You should eat fruit, we both should; but we both know you’re going for that biscuit tin and you’re sadly mistaken if you think I’m going to let you eat one and not give at least half to me. I’m not afraid to scream.”
2.Eat at the table.
Never mind the social aspect of doing this, this is really so everything on your plate is within reach of their chubby little hands.
Remember to give them a fork so if you’re tempted to move your plate out of reach they can use this tool to drag things off your plate.
If they can’t reach it they will have a handy contingency plan of screaming blue bloody murder until you relent.
3.Leave all will power at the door.
Don’t bother starting each meal with renewed resolve to eat a complete meal on your own, it won’t last (see perpetual guilt above).
And that’s that.
After a few months of this the pounds will drop off and with only a few real side effects (loss of sanity, inability to eat a complete meal without looking over your shoulder and eating ridiculously hot food resulting in the burning of your tongue before the toddler can reach the table).
This convenient new lifestyle change is available today, so what are you waiting for?