As I type this, I’m balancing perilously close to the edge of the bed and all that’s stopping me from falling on my face is half a bum cheek.
This is because for the third morning in a row you are spread-eagle in the middle of our bed snoozing.
This has to stop.
Your Dad thinks I’m being paranoid but I know you’re doing this on purpose. You have a system and it’s taken me a while but I’ve caught on.
This is the noise you start with that usually wakes me up to see what’s wrong.
There’s nothing wrong. There’s never actually anything wrong but you prey on the fact that when you first arrived I used to wake up to check your pulse 6-7 times a night.
You’re in no way awake but you’ve woken up enough to realise: A)You’re in the crib and not in the bed like you’d told us you want to be and
B) We’re in the bed beside you asleep and this is clearly not acceptable.
This noise starts in order for me to remedy this ‘problem’.
Step 3: Shriek
If Step 1 and 2 don’t work you let out one high pitched shriek – think Velociraptor from Jurassic Park – and that will get me to jump out of bed and land on something soft, like a plug.
Step 4: Smile
Now you don’t want to have to deal with a grumpy parent so you sweeten us up by smiling like an angel and decide 2.54am is the perfect time to practise your talking. You do your best babbling when my eyelids are stuck together and I’m so tired I can’t function.
You are propped on the big triangle pillow in between the two of us when you suddenly decide you are tired again. After a little sigh of contentment (that was my first clue this was all a clever ruse) you promptly fall back to sleep within seconds. This leaves me the easy job of trying to find a way to lie beside you without making the bed creak, therefore waking you up again, or touching you in anyway.
Step 6: Make sure no one else will sleep
This is achieved by a few highly effective techniques:
1. Flail your arms about while you’re still ‘sleeping’ resulting in your parents getting punched in the throat or eye by a pudgy little fist.
2.We try to give you as much room as possible as to not smother you in your sleep so you maximise this fact by spreading your arms out as far as you can resulting in both of us teetering off the edge of the mattress.
3. Just when we’re about to sleep make sure to tell us you’re too hot by screaming bloody murder until you’re released from your little sleeping bag.
These techniques are repeated until I’m just the right amount of wide-awake so you can fall asleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that I’m just lying there staring at the ceiling, waiting for you to wake up again.
Now that I’ve caught on I’m putting together a counter attack. It goes along the lines of me giving you our bed and me sleeping in the spare room until you’re 18.
I think it’s for the best.