It’s a Sunday morning and instead of indulging in my hangover anxiety I’ve decided to make a change.
Anxiety goes hand-in-hand with depression for me. At it’s worst it can stop me functioning or even from putting my head above the covers, and this week I could feel its grubby little hands tightening around my throat.
My palms were getting sweaty at the thought of having to leave the house, I was getting stressed out being left in charge of two small children and with Conor working late I was allowing myself to indulge in the isolation and letting it breed and grow.
The only thing that can anchor me back to reality when I can feel it rising is to curl myself up onto Conor’s lap. It’s like a safety net and gives me the opportunity to slow my breathing down.
Anyway, this isn’t meant to be a post about anxiety. This is about me deciding to fight it.
I’m ready to take it all on. It’s the first time since all this has started that I finally believe I can do it. I can take it all on and, most importantly, win.
I’m ready to really put my all into CBT and properly see doctors to tame this once and for all (I’m not stupid enough to think this can be eradicated, but I will conquer it).
I went out last night and had a fantastic time laughing and dancing and drinking with my family. The morning after nights out are normally spent nursing a hangover and is loaded with the usual personal character assassination of the most brutal kind: you’re a horrible wife, a useless mother, a rubbish friend etc etc – but not this morning.
This morning, I went into my kitchen I put on some loud music (Sia – how freaking amazing is she?) and I danced barefoot around the table. I danced like no one was watching, because know one was. It was just me, letting go and being happy in the moment.
It was fantastic and inspiring and it helped me take this step. The veil dropped and I’m ready to be the best version of myself that I can be.
I know I can be a better wife, a fun mum and a supportive friend. I’m going to be a better runner, writer and housewife. I’m going to dance barefoot in my kitchen with my children and enjoy their childhood. I’m going to leave the toys on the living room floor because they’re not meant to live in a box. I’m going to kiss my husband just because I can. I’m going to hold his hand when we are sitting on the sofa doing nothing but looking at tv and enjoy it because we’re lucky to have each other. I’m going to enjoy spending time with my family and friends because I love them. Each and every annoying, mentally imbalanced one of them.
So right here and now I’m making a promise: I’m going to beat this.
It’s not for my husband, my children or my friends it’s simply for me.
I may fall, I may falter but I will not fail because in the words of my very wise friend Lasairiona: “I’m a fucking gladiator.”
Bring it on.